Fat Is the New Black
April 16, 2005
Last night while I was trying, in vain, to get my drink on at the Camden Pub, this old guy comes up to me and goes, “hey, Hurley!” I have no fucking clue what he’s talking about, so I do my little smile and laugh and gesture with my drink move. When I’m trying to get someone at a bar to leave me alone, giving them a slight acknowledgment usually does it.
This dude, however, would not be denied. Again, “how you doing, Hurley?” This time, I did my half-smile, half-laugh, what-the-fuck-are-you-talking-about-you-complete-stranger gesture. This clued him in that we were not on the same page.
Him: “Don’t you know Lost?”
Me: “No, is that like a TV show or a movie or something?”
Him (aghast): “It’s like, the number one show on TV!”
Me: “I pretty much only watch old reruns of The West Wing” (which is true, but I was trying to throw him off).
Him (still aghast): “You gotta watch it! There’s a dude named Hurley that looks just like you!”
This is the kiss of death. I know this, because people tell me all the time that I look “just like” someone famous. Chris Farley. John Candy. Jared (pre-Subway). John Popper from Blues Traveler (pre-stomach stapling). The only thing these guys have in common—and the only thing they have in common with me—is that they’re fat dudes.
Which is fine. I know I’m fat, and I’m not sensitive about it. But I do not look anything like Jorge Garcia (for starters, I at least tweeze my unibrow). I don’t look like Chris Farley. Or John Goodman. Or Kenan Thompson. Just because we’ve all breached three hundred pounds doesn’t mean we even bear a passing resemblance to each other—not any more so than Emmanuel Lewis looks like Jason “Wee Man” Acuna.
But apparently, I look like Hurley. To the old dude at the Camden pub, anyway. Now in real life I’d like to think—and people who know me well would probably agree—that I don’t look like this guy at all. But for now, while Jorge Garcia rides his wave of fame from Lost, I’ll be the guy who sort of looks like him. You know, being fat and all.
But good for Hurley. Good for all the famous fat dudes. Good for Kirstie Alley, and Fat Actress, even though I can’t figure out how you can have a “hit show” based upon the premise of being overweight when you’re also on Jenny Craig commercials talking about how you’re losing it. But no matter, fat is in—unless you’re losing it, which is also in—so all the better for me.
What the world needs is a ridiculously handsome, ridiculously fat actor to rise to stardom, so I can start comparing myself to him.